for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize