I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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