I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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