i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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