My cat gives me a boner
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
