i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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