so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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