This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
