mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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