This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I want her autograph on my taint
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize