I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Help me help you realize you are a moron
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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