just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
