dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I met the friendliest cop last night
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
