I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
