I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
