The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
