Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
