Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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