if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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