I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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