And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
