I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
