I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
