She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
