Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
