I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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