we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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