I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
