shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
