I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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