oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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