Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
