dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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