Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
