a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I love black thongs
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
