Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
