I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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