does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
