I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
