nutella sex= disaster
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
