i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
