I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
