You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
