so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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