So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Did I show you my penis last night?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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