I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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