Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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