You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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