Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
