my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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