Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I smell like Dick and happiness
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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