I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
It's just like the Real World with babies
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
