his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
