Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
