My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
