the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
