If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
