The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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