I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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