I'm eating all of the evidence.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
