dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
