and you said cock pushups were impossible
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
