mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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