My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
